Dear boy who touched me inappropriately,
I was a freshman in high school when I learned about incest and bestiality. I’ll never forget the disgust and embarrassment my classmates had. That’s when I realized that what you did, what I experienced, wasn’t normal. I mean you weren’t that much older than me, and I wanted nothing but your love and approval. I remember going home that afternoon, lying in my bed in the fetal position asking God, who I wasn’t sure I believed in, to take all my memories away….and you know what, He did.
A few years later I met Jesus, and I started walking through a healing journey, and He was slowly beginning to walk me through my dark past, but I didn’t remember, until one day, I had a trigger, and bits and pieces began to come back. I cried, I couldn’t believe it. In fact, a small voice was telling me that I was making it up, that it didn’t really happen. I shared it with one person, and that voice was even stronger…. telling me I was lying. So I pushed it back, and continued to live my life.
In my early 20’s, my mom noticed I was acting weird. For some reason she asked me, “Did he do something to you?!?" And I told her yes….yes you did, as I began to cry. She cried and I cried more. She also said something that made me realize that this was generational curse. I was too afraid to dig deeper and ask more questions, but it gave me so much more understanding.
And then I got married. We were so fearful of how our marriage would be affected by the things you did to me. And I’m not going to lie, it did. After one year of marriage, we got pregnant, and I pleaded with God to give me a girl as a symbol, a covenant, that this curse was broken over my bloodline, and He did! Through His faithfulness He gave us a daughter. And I truly believe that this curse is broken. When I was at home with her, I struggled to connect with her, I had that same small voice telling me that I would end up hurting her, the way you hurt me. I said no that’s not true, that I will not allow that to happen, and it didn’t!!!
It was in my 4th year of marriage when things got even harder. My intimacy with my husband got so distant. I didn’t know how to enjoy what God created to be beautiful, because of how distorted it was to me. I remember driving to you. Confronting you. Telling you that I remembered everything, and we cried. You said you were sorry. I saw you covered in such shame, and helplessness. And on that day I forgave you!
It’s now been many years later, and I’m still not made whole. I thought that forgiving you would make me whole, but I was wrong. I’m starting to see that, I’m still broken because while I forgave you, I haven’t forgiven myself. I mean how did I not know that this was wrong? How did I think this was okay? And so here I am broken, ready to face the rest of my past. I want the courage to face those broken, lost pieces so far back in my brain. I want nothing more than to put the puzzle pieces back together, and understand the full story. I want Immanuel to walk with me, holding my hand as ABBA, telling me He is with me. I want to be made whole. I want nothing more than to walk in the fullness of who God created me to be.
And you know what?!? I want that for you too!!! I want to see you forgive yourself. Yes it was wrong, we were also kids. I want to see you living life to the fullest, believing that you are forgiven, loved and worthy of love. Don’t isolate yourself, don’t stay in your dark dungeon anymore. Please get the help you need!!! Begin to walk in truth, and begin to walk in your own healing journey, as I will be embarking in. I’m going to see a therapist who’s going to help me process, and in the processing, I may hate you again. I’m okay with that, because it’s the process I need to go through in order to heal, and once I can heal, I can then truly forgive you, and walk in freedom.
And to you who was inappropriately touched,
I am sooooo sorry!
For what you went through. For experiencing a distortion of what intimacy should be. I believe you. I stand with you, and believe that we can find our healing. Our voices matter. Our stories matter. We need to break the silence. We need to tell our stories. We need the "1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys" to know they aren't alone. We need to find our freedom, but we can't until we shed light on those dark things. It's when we do, where we find freedom. I'm praying for you, as I'm praying for me. Let's pray for each other as we walk through this.